The following entry may contain triggering material.
The dream: My deceased, abusive mother and estranged, abusive sibling sat at an antiseptically clean-white kitchen table together. I mentioned that their lousy attitudes towards relationships and sexuality left me vulnerable to sexually abusive dynamics. They disagreed without substance to their counterargument.
Deck: playing cards (read here for system)
Spread: Red King’s Crown
1. (Center) Signifies the Querent. Five of Spades.
2. (Crossing) The crux of the issue. Four of Hearts.
3. (Top) Themes to consider. Seven of Spades.
4. (Upper left) Symbols from the dream. Three of Diamonds.
5. (Upper right) Symbols from reality. Two of Hearts.
6. (Lower left) Why the dream doesn’t wake up. Seven of Hearts.
7. (Lower right) Why reality doesn’t sleep and dream. Ten of Spades.
8. (Bottom) Future, culmination. Eight of Diamonds.
Pain that comes from really nowhere, crossed by the signifiers of love without the essence or substance of it. In our waking life history, I wasn’t a troubled adolescent or young adult to them so much as I was malfunctioning: I wasn’t supposed to have a perspective of my own, or feelings, and family wasn’t supposed to recognize or respond to those as though they mattered (unless they can pull a double standard: hours of complaining about one time I left my keys inside before going out, to the point of rallying resistant roommates and making calls to mutual friends, was “just venting”; if I pointed out that continual advice and scolding about what I should do about my cough was beginning to come off as aggressive, I should loosen up and not expect everybody to be perfect, and why do I have to be insulting and hurtful, why she’ll show me aggressive.)
I’ll get back to the Seven of Spades.
Symbols from reality, (Two of Hearts) current infatuation, contrasted with having learned from past infatuations that I absolutely cannot trust my feelings or instincts about anybody. I don’t love what’s good for me, and…frankly, I’m not eligible for someone to share their life with that way, anyhow, I’ve got too many practical issues right now to be good company for anyone.
Symbols from the dream (Three of Diamonds) suggest that my solo-parent, two-child family fit together very, very, very well…perfectly, actually…and that wasn’t a good thing.
Seven of Spades suggests that these are growing pains: learning to fight for love, and, because Spades are Amethyst’s suit, learning to love to fight.
The dream won’t wake up (Seven of Hearts) because…I carry over issues from people I’ve avoided and apply them to dynamics/relationships where those people are gone. That doesn’t mean that I’ve won against some echoing violation of some principle, it means I’ve introduced conflict where there previously was none.
Reality won’t sleep. Because reality, like evil, never sleeps. Conclusively, reality is eeevil…
From the Eight of Diamonds, I get the sense of calcification. Everything will become clear and make perfect sense…which is always the moment I should know I’ve missed something…but, narrative is power, and power is amoral and orthogonal to truth. There’s a sort of power that makes something true, and I’ve never witnessed the beneficial effects of that.